I want to leave. I really do. I can't take it anymore. I don't deserve this, no one does.

I want this to end.

You call me a whore almost every week. Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing with you. I've lost my self-esteem, I'm not happy and I cannot bear to be beaten up again. Today you pushed me hard on the road in front of so many people. I can feel it starting all over again. You're not the one for me and you're right. We shouldn't be in this. I'm only waiting for myself to be strong enough to let you go. Why the fuck can't I do it yet? I want to end it. I want to be happy again. I don't want to be too scared to tell someone how I feel. I don't want to have to keep a distance so that even if I say anything, I don't get beaten up. I don't want to be with you. You made me so sad. You made me beg and plead for YOUR STUPID FUCKING ADDICTION. I want to leave, I WANT TO RUN AWAY. I WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT LIKE YOU IN ANY WAY. YOU DISGUST ME AND I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO IS AS PATHETIC AS YOU ARE. I HATE YOU THE WAY I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO STOP LOVING YOU AND JUST HATE YOU FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. SO LONG, THAT I FORGET WHAT LOVING YOU WAS LIKE. I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A PART OF ME IN ANY WAY AND I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN, TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I HATE YOU AJAT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU NOW. YOUR HAIR, YOUR STUPID FUCKING LAUGH AND THE WAY YOU TALK. I HATE THE WAY YOU TOUCH ME AND I HATE THE WAY YOU CAN'T SPELL. I HATE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE IN GENDER WHEN YOU TALK. I HATE THAT YOU CAN'T EXPRESS YOURSELF TO ME. I HATE THAT YOU'RE SO WEAK AND THAT NO ONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT. I HATE THAT YOU FEEL POWERFUL WHEN YOU SEE ME BEG.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY. SO FAR THAT I DON'T EVER SEE, TOUCH, FEEL OR HEAR YOU AGAIN. PLEASE LEAVE.

You ruined everything. Breaking up is your only solution. I'll tell you what: I'll let you bring up the break ups while I try to move on. And the day I do, you're not going to have to just bring them up. And I'll use another guy if I have to. I hate you.

I feel like a stranger in your life. It isn't the same and we both know it. We don't trust each other and are too scared to tell each other anything. I don't know if it's okay to be with you anymore. I am the kind of person that you cannot deal with. You dislike things about me that make me who I am and you're never able to answer what you love about me. I don't think you know this but you don't love me for who I am. You're used to seeing me and tag me along when you've got to go to a place but how many times do we sit and talk to each other and enjoy that? We don't ever do it because you don't like doing that.

I am someone who needs constant reassurance. It's who I am. Maybe because I've been the only child so I've never had to be insecure. I am jealous and possessive and you cannot deal with that either. I've had to change myself as a person to be with you; I did that because I thought it was worth it. But I don't think it is anymore. Not with you threatening to push me away every time we have a fight. I did not expect you to be this weak. When I got into this with you, I hoped that you would try as hard as I was willing to. You did not try as hard. You gave in to screaming and shouting and beating me up when you lost control.

You ruined my birthday. Brought up a break up even on that day. It was a special day for me and you destroyed it in every way that you possibly could. You told me that you can't do stuff for me and that if I'm expecting a surprise, it'll never happen. I wasn't expecting a surprise. I was only expecting a quiet day alone with you. But you made me cry even that day. I'll never forgive you for that.

If you want a separate life then you should learn to have one. If you want your privacy, don't hand me your password a few days later, saying you want me to have it. I don't need it anymore and I'm tired of you. I really am.

Ask yourself why you love me. I don't know the answer anymore when I ask myself that.

If you tell me the truth, I promise I won't cry. I hate being lied to and I just can't take it anymore.

Again, we will build this. Again, it'll be fine. Just don't break me again; I promise I won't break you ever again.

Everything will be okay. I know now that we're meant to be together and nothing in the world can change that. I'm sorry for my mistakes and I promise I'll make it better. I want you to be happy and I want you to smile again. I'll do anything it takes from my side. I pray for you now and I know things have gotten so bad but now they have to get better. We'll make it okay together. The only good thing that came out of it was that it made me realize that you really are my life and everything wrong that happens to you hurts me as much as it hurts you, if not more. I know you're facing a lot, things you don't deserve and you sometimes ask yourself why but someday you'll be as happy as you are sad today. Things will get better and we'll be together.

I was being stupid when I told you that I'm not sure of you. I was being stupid, talking to another guy, trying to make you jealous. He can never be you. No one can. No one can take your place and understand me like you do. They think they do but they don't. He can never really give me anything you give me. That's the most important thing for me. He's not you. And I can't afford to lose you because I haven't met anyone like you before. I am glad I fell in love with you. I am so grateful that we're together. I can never leave no matter how many problems you and I have. Even if he thinks he gets those problems, he doesn't. Even if he thinks he can make it a thousand times better, he can't. No one can except you. You are perfect for me Ajat. I love you for all your imperfections and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and no one else. I started anew.

Going through the day wearing makeup and then crying at night, that's my routine. You know the two things that I remember the most everyday? The perfection on my face that I paint every morning and the cheeks running with grey lines and acid like concealer stains. Makes me wonder which is worse.

Make me happy, won't you? I have somewhere else to go.

You're not there when I need you the most. Today my results came out and I was scared. I didn't want to tell anyone and I wanted you to be on the phone with me when I checked. But you didn't pick up. I checked the website on my own and messaged you that I had passed.

You're like a stranger to me. Far away. I don't know how long I can do this. Beg you to stay with me when I see that you don't need it as much. Someday I want to stop needing you. I want to stop bleeding for you. I want to move on. I don't want to cry in front of you anymore. I want to be able to end this. I'm not happy.

I cannot live without you. Not a day. These few days have been so difficult, it's unimaginable. I want you back and will do anything to get it. I have changed myself and am never going to lose control again. At least give me a chance. Remember how much we've shared, the promises we made. All the days when you lay your head on my lap and spoke to me on your roof. When we spoke about how we're meant for each other. How you held me close every time I cried. How perfectly I fit into your arms. How you call me for every little thing that troubled you. How I listened to the things you are so passionate about. Don't disregard all we've had because of a rough month. There have been so many times when we should have let go, but we held on. Why are you letting it go now? Don't. Stay with me.

Remember Bangalore. Every day we spent together. I never had such a perfect holiday before. It was because of you. Every moment I spent with you in that room was special. Every time you look at me, it makes me fall in love with you. Don't go.

I've lost faith in you. I took you for granted, yes, but look how you've treated me. I wanted to know how it felt like to be the one in control. But I guess I'll never have that, not with you at least. I've never been able to forget the things you've done to me and now when I think of them it just makes me a little numb. Is that a sign of something? Should I wait for this to end slowly? There's nothing left. I don't want to kiss you anymore. Your arms no longer feel secure. I don't feel much. Just pain.

It's all coming down. I never wanted it to go this way. I never wanted to wish anything wrong for you. But here it is, all over again. I feel so helpless right now. I really wish I could go back in time and fix it. The only thing I'll regret is not helping you with your exam the last time. I was selfish, maybe. But that was only that one exam. The remaining I thought you did well. But here it is, again. I wish I could do something, I really do.

I'm in a place where I don't know if you're going to be here still or you'll leave town. I really hope you stay. But it's not in our power anymore. We could have fixed things while we were still in charge. Now it isn't our decision to take. All I want to say is that I'm very sorry for the wrongs I've done to you, I wanted to be a happy part of your life: someone who makes you smile. I doubt I've done much. I will stay on no matter what and hold your hand through everything that you may have to face.

I know I can't ever imagine what you're going through. But I want you to know that if I could I would take it all upon myself.

Walk away. Walk away before I know it.
Walk away before I see you.
I may come running back
Wanting to hold on all over again.

Don't you know me?
I can't let you go
It's the only way out
If you walk away
And never look back.

Leave me to myself
All alone again
You know how you're afraid of darkness
It's the same with me
Except you're my only light

Walk away and take your light
I don't need it
I'll learn to do without it
Just like I wish I could.

You were my fairytale
I saw you in my dreams
They were so real,
They faded into reality.

Why did you come in?
I was about to shut you out
And kill your memories too
You ran away.

You poisoned me with your doubts
And now you want to walk away
Do that.
Find your way out.

Same thing again. Made me a victim, didn't you? You enjoy this: All the power and glory you feel. I know it. It's normal, I understand. You'll leave me and walk out someday, I know that too. You're only waiting for yourself to dislike me to that point when you can do that. You're holding on to this only because you can't stop loving me, not yet at least. But the moment you do, you'll break away and I won't see you.

I suffocate you, that's what you say. When I say "I love you" I suffocate you. You turned me into this. I wasn't this fucked up. You've pushed me away so much that I'm scared of what you are when you get close. You don't understand me, you never will. Just go away. It has to end in some way. You've told me it will. Then let it.

Somethings that I want to remember for the rest of my life: You're pathetic and you have a sad life and you're just like all the other pathetic losers in the town. You sit on your fancy little laptop and write your stupid blog. People don't appreciate your writing they just like the people you write your posts on. You're just a tool. You'll never be happy.

I won't be happy. I know. I've made far too many mistakes which I think about constantly. Being with one guy after has taught me something too. But I didn't think I would still be weak and vulnerable. I thought I was strong.

You know what's pathetic? The way I beg for you to come back. The way I cry all night waking up every half an hour to see if you've called. You'll never understand. According to you, it's revenge. But try understanding me. I hadn't kept those conversations on purpose, I didn't know that they existed. As soon as I found them, I let you know. Instead of telling me that you think I had them on purpose, you could have thought of all the times I've tried to be understanding. The photographs I found, the lies you've told me. I let that past because I thought if something similar happened to me, you'd do the same. You're not the person I thought you were. You are someone I'll never understand. You are someone who feeds on my sorrows.

In spite of everything, I made you the center of my world. I did everything I could for you. But you've hit me and abused me. You really can't imagine what you've put me through since last night. Broke me  into pieces I can't get anymore. You've changed me. Made me numb. Now when I kiss you, it'll never be the same. I won't ever let you know. But I'm in love with you and being with you is the only way I can move on. I'll be with you for as long as it takes. I'll move on someday. I want to.

You know why? No one pushes the people they love to do such things. They don't allow people to beg and plead with them just to prove a point. You've broken me so badly. I can't mend myself anymore. I can't. Just slowly, let me go. I'll fade away. You won't know.

You talk about your friends to me. You tell me how much they mean to you. It makes me wonder who you talk about me to? Sometimes I wish I wasn't the closest to you, in that way, you'd be talking about me to someone. It would make me special for once. Not just someone here to listen to you about the special people in your life.

You tell me that I mean nothing compared to your friends, when you're angry. I understand that they don't fight with you like I do and I also understand that they've been in your life longer. But it just makes me feel helpless. Makes me feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be them.

I'll never be someone who doesn't fight with you. I'll never be that person who's known you for the longest time. I'll never be the person who you miss being with. I'll never be them.

Every day I spend with you makes me feel how much I lack. You always talk about things you could do or the places you could be. I sit there and wonder when you'll remember that I'm with you now. You plan holidays months in advance and talk about them constantly until you finally go and come back. And then the next one starts. For you, your life is those few days you spend with everyone else. I'm just the transition period; the boring life that you lead every day. I wanted to be more.

I don't know if you'll ever understand. I won't tell you. It hurts me to think about it and telling you would mean accepting that this is true. It's just too much to take. I hope you realize someday.

Please don't take me for granted. I'm here today but we go on our separate ways soon. I don't want to be your transitional phase anymore. I want to be important to you. I want to know that I make you happy. I want to know that your life isn't just dull and depressing while you're in this city. Because even I'm a part of this city right now.

Don't tell people how bored you are. Tell them your life is good. Tell them that you're happy.

Don't put me down.

Don't run, don't make me chase you. I'm slowly leaving myself behind and soon, bit by bit I will be gone. Don't let me disappear.

Chase me instead. Let me know how it feels, just once. Make me whole again.

You remember and dwell on all the things you've lost and ignore all the things you haven't. Because your scars are like stars. Yet the night stays perfectly black.

I'll tell you the truth so close to your lips it'll taste like a lie. There's a tongue in my mouth. It matters. This fucking matters.

The only thing that works is the truth and you are the hardest truth to tell.

So kiss like you give a damn.

I need you to give me the chance to take you for granted.

I began thousands of years ago on a cave wall somewhere in Africa. I painted the idea of you before symbols could make sounds in our heads. And each time I come back, I'm the same. This is not the first time you've read this. I've told you a thousand times over a thousand years. I am no more the first me that's ever been than you are the first you. And we certainly won't be the last.

You know what I realized right now? I realized that if I'm not there someday, you might not miss me so much. I've always just been there and I don't think you really think about it so much. If you did care, you would never do all those things to me.

You never did it to anyone else but you did it to me. Because you didn't want to lose everyone else. But you didn't care if I went away. You were so sure that I would. But I didn't go.

Let me know what I mean to you. I know you're not that kind of person who likes to express himself but I do need it a lot. I'm insecure, jealous and I need your attention. If you don't tell me, I'll never know.

Yes, it does exist and I find it in your arms. I know things got bad and they might in the future again. But that's who we are and we've just got to live with it. For the first time, I realized that we both want this so badly, that we're willing to do anything it takes. That's what will make this work in the end. I know.

I love you so much and I cannot ever stop. I'll always be there no matter what anyone says. I haven't ever been this happy in my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've made my decision. Nothing can ever change that.

You know, you'll never have to fight for me. You'll never have to be insecure. You'll always have me to yourself. There's nothing in the world that is strong enough to pull me away from you. I'll never let you feel that you're second to anything or anyone. You're the most important person in my life and I will do anything for you. You can let yourself fall back, I'll always catch you. I'll never let you down and I'll always be there. I'll never ever leave.

You said something that I'll always remember. Your words were beautiful and comforted every bit of me.

"You never really know who you are. Everyday you discover something new about yourself. You make mistakes, you learn from them and you try not to repeat them. It is this that makes you who you truly are, in the end. Everyday, you're a new person and you've got the ability to transform into someone you really want to be. Finally, what matters is the struggle that you've put up to bring about that transformation. That will make all the difference, to you and to the people you love."

I can't stop loving you.

"How are you?", you asked me. After nine days of nothingness, I didn't know what to say to you. It's not like I didn't have anything to say. It was only that I didn't know where to start; I held it back. I always will. There's just too much between us. You've managed to push me away. And even though my feelings were killing me from inside, creeping up my throat and making my throat scream with pain, I wouldn't let it out. I won't slip again and I will make sure that you never know that there's anything wrong.

You never understood how much I missed you and by saying "I miss you" I was only letting out an emotion. You never did care while you were away. When you've got things to do, people to visit, it's like I'm not there. I think of you wherever I go and I remember to make you a part of my world, even though you're physically not in it. You won't ever understand. Instead, you said you didn't love me anymore. That I suffocate you and that you dislike me as a person.

I did not mean to ruin your vacation in any way. I only wanted ten minutes from your day. But you made fun of me. You mocked me and said that I've got nothing to say anyway so we talk about the same things over and over again. You know how that makes me feel? Have you considered what you put me through each time for something comparatively tiny from my end?

I was hurt because you lied to me which is in my nature. I have tried to understand you as a person and accept your shortcomings no matter what anyone says. It is a really small thing to just give me what I want at one point but you won't. I've come to terms with that. I get it now. I will never say anything to you. If you have anything else, I will step off and let you take charge. I won't ever tell you the things in my heart because you take all of those things and use them in your anger. You bring me down to my knees and make me beg you after every fight. I'll do it, now, willingly. I won't cry. I'll just be with you like I am with everyone else. You aren't a part of me anymore, just someone I love. You couldn't respect me. If I was angry, you could have apologized for lying. Instead you turned it around, to which I reacted by saying something hurtful to you. And then you called me a whore and swore that you didn't love me anymore. That I repulsed you. You know, I cry every night thinking about this. I'm crying right now. But I won't tell you anymore. Nothing you do will fix this for me. Nothing you say will bring back what we had. It broke.

You brought me to a point where I thought of killing myself. I was so lost that I had to confide in someone who I hardly knew. Only because I couldn't tell my friends anymore. I needed help and that's the only help I got. I couldn't keep it inside me anymore. Not when you said you wouldn't care if I left. I dreamed of someone who would hold me and whisper things in my ear. I dreamed of him to make me the center of his life and love me for who I am. I dreamed of a man who would love to spend time with me and be intrigued by me at every stage of being together. You, I thought, was him. But you aren't that man. You don't even like to spend time alone with me. You, instead, tell me how boring it gets. I can't offer you anything new, only myself. If you don't like that, I will change. But it's not me anymore. And then someday you'll know that you aren't in love with the same person. That'll be the end.

It's been a while and I'm still crying. Crying for you. Crying because of the things you said. I repulse you. I will never forget that. Never ever will I forgive you. Some day, I will let go.

I want someone who can hold me close and tell me that I'm the one he wants the most. I don't want to be shunned at every point and be told that I'm to understand and compromise. I deserve more. I deserve to be happy. You don't make me happy.

When you call me a whore, I feel bad. I feel like going back and changing things so that I could be someone's love and not his whore. I don't want to be called that anymore. I don't want to understand and be sorry for things that make me who I am. I don't want to live a life thinking that I will someday get you to love me the way I love you. I don't want to hope for you to fall in love with me every single day of my life.

I want a man who can hold me in his arms and tell me things that I dream about. I don't want you because you disrespect me every minute I am with you. You hold me close so that you can bring to my most vulnerable state. And then you hold me so hard, that my skin around your fingers feels bruised and scarred. You don't know how to hold a woman. You never will know. I made a mistake.

The moments I spent with you all washed away. You destroyed everything I shared with you. It won't come back ever again. I give up. I cannot pursue this any more. I let you be and you said I suffocate you. I loved you and for all of it, you hated me. I was myself but you weren't. You called me a whore, a slut and a bitch. I didn't say a word. You laughed at me while I cried. You know, I can't tell you how it feels anymore. Nothing can describe that feeling when you just don't know whether you're any good to anyone anymore or not.

I really thought we would work. But I don't think we're meant to be anymore. Not when you don't like being with me alone when that's so important. When two people are in love, they just can't seem to get enough of each other. I've cried for you to want me that way, I've craved for you to hold me and say that I'm the only thing you need in your life. But I bore you, so how can I be? I cling on to you and you don't get your space. I have stupid friends with their stupid issues and I've got too many issues of my own. I cannot be in love if I let you go. I cannot be in love if I don't get to hold you. I cannot love you if you mock me at every stage and make me realize that I've been a mistake in your life.

You know, I've made up my mind about somethings today. I will never love you the way I did. I will never need you or depend on you the way I used to. You are not my life, only a part that I wish hadn't happened. I will love you only till a point where I can stop. Everything I say to you will be thought out and simple. My ideas, my problems, my life, my feelings, they're all mine now. I take away what I gave away to you.

One year? You're not worth even a moment I spend on you. I realize that only today. The most important day of my relationship with you. I was looking forward to it and I wanted it to be so special. You weren't here. I didn't mind that at all. Instead, you abused me, said that I am someone you are "repulsed by". No one has ever said that to me. And I didn't expect it from someone who I had given my entire life to. You know, I actually did give you my soul.

You know how it feels when your soul cries? When you want to tear it out and wish you couldn't feel anything anymore? Did you ever feel like holding yourself so hard that you could squeeze out every ounce of feeling left inside you? Did you ever feel like becoming numb was better than anything else in the world?

Every word you said made me feel that way. Just because I cry easily doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Every word you said made me numb. Every word took out one part of my soul from me. You ripped me apart. All the times you've hit me and abused me are nothing compared to what you did to me today. You broke me. I am broken. I thought nothing could do that to me. But you did. I can't mend it anymore. I could but not today. Not ever. It's gone. You killed it. Every bit of it. Took it and murdered it.

Someday you'll see what you did. It doesn't matter so much to you right now. I understand. You did what you thought was right and you live with no regrets. You don't know what you've done to me. You'll never know unless you don't have this. You've broken me into pieces, you know. You've destroyed me as a person and I'll never be the same again. You took everything away from me. I gave you my entire life and I did things I had never done for anyone. I built myself according to you and did everything I could to make this work. It wasn't enough, I guess.
Someday when you feel low and you don't have anyone, think about me please. Think about what you did. I would hold you close and never let anything get close to you. I wanted to be there and love you like no one had loved you before. I wanted to hold you in my arms and protect you from everything. I wanted to be there.

I'll go, like you want me to. I won't suffocate you anymore. I'll be like you want me to. I'll let go.

You will be free.

You're not here right now, I do miss you a lot. But I've learned and am changing myself. I won't hold you back ever again. I didn't do it on purpose. I just love you too much to let things go like that. But you took me wrong. I wasn't trying to control your life, I wasn't trying to make you claustrophobic. I was hurt that you thought so.

You know, all these months my only aim has been to make you comfortable around me. To make you feel like I'm a part of you and that I'll never leave. I wanted you to be sure of me. I wanted you to have your space and still have me in your life at the same time. You brought me into your life and made me a part of it everyday. And then you told me I suffocate you. I didn't understand.

I have let you go. I think I'm strong enough now. I need you in my life still, I do think about you like I used to. But I've changed. I won't tell you how much I miss you anymore. I won't hold you back again. I said those things because I wanted you to know how much I love you. I never thought you would take it any other way. But you misunderstood. You thought I was trying to control you. I wasn't. You said you're scared of me and feel that you're answerable to me for everything. I never wanted that. You think all I want is for myself to be happy. It's never been like that.

You know what the problem is? For me, my relationship is the most important thing. It always will be. I can never change that. No matter how big a problem is, no matter what happens, I'll still give everything to you. I only showed that to you thinking you would understand and respect it. You didn't. Instead you told me how I cannot be a priority to you. I don't want to be. I only want to be a part of your life to make you happy. But I'm far away now if that's what it takes to make you happy. I'll be like this because I don't want you to feel suffocated.

I know you said all those things in your anger. But you did mean some of it. I thought about it a lot. I used to tell you how much I miss you because it was the strongest feeling inside me. If you're out with people and are having a good time, it doesn't mean that I don't want you to. I only used to tell you that I missed you at that time because I really did. It did not mean that I didn't want you to have a great time. You already were, so I just thought I'll tell you what I feel. But now I won't anymore. You've gotten it all wrong. I'll leave it up to you. I've let you go.

The lies you tell, the hopes you raise. You make me wonder if you're really in love. Am I just holding on to this so hard that it's the only reason you're still here? I should let you go. I should learn to do without you. I made many mistakes, I know. But the biggest one was letting you in. I should have never done that. I did that once before and I had promised myself never to do it again.

I needed your time. The same way I give you mine. My entire life revolves around you, you know. From waking up for you, to going to bed thinking about you. It's painful, how much I give to you and I end up being nothing more than a need. I know you do things for me, but you've got other things too. You choose a lot before me and I am expected to understand. I am trying to.

I can't go on this way. I want out. I really do. If someday I am strong enough, I will let you go. I won't hold you back anymore. I don't want to go through this anymore. I don't want to be a second. I gave you my life and in return, I do deserve a little from you.

I really love you so much. I wish I could stop. I really want it to end.

You ripped me apart. You've torn me into pieces. Raped my soul. Killed it. I will move on someday. I won't be this way. I've let you go. Now I just want to forget you. Someday I will stop loving you and I will be happier than I have ever been. I'll bury your thoughts, make them go away. And when the ghosts haunt me, I'll be gone. I don't want this. I don't want to love you. I trusted you and gave myself to you. I've lost my soul to you. I don't know why. I want to be whole again without you. You're the darkness in my life. I hate you. I don't want this anymore. LET ME GO. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY DREAMS. I DON'T WANT TO WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. WHY DID I MAKE YOU MY LIFE? WHY DID I GIVE MY SOUL TO YOU? YOU CAN'T FUCKING IMAGINE WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME. IF YOU COULD, YOU'D HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO HIT ME, ABUSE ME, TORTURE ME EVERY SINGLE DAY. THE PAIN I FEEL IS UNIMAGINABLE. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW. I WANT TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY. LET MYSELF GO. GIVE UP AND RUN AWAY. INTO THAT DARK TUNNEL WHICH I DREAMED ABOUT. ENDING MY LIFE IS MY ONLY ANSWER. SOMEDAY I WILL. SOMEDAY I'LL BE GONE AND YOU'LL THINK OF ME AND SMILE. KNOW THAT YOU RUINED ONE LIFE. KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN. SOMEDAY I WILL HATE YOU THE WAY I WANT TO RIGHT NOW.

It's lost. Dead and gone. It'll never come back. I'm back to where I started. I'm alone again and you're not there. Those months I spent, alone in the room, thinking about what I had done wrong? It's here again. You're not beside me.

You disrespected me, abused me and hit me. I did not say anything to you. For a small mistake I make, you pushed me away. Pushed me into darkness. Now I don't have you and I'm lost. Alone and dead. You say you aren't dependent on me. It's alright. I just did a lot for you in these 8 months. I woke you up every morning, did all your projects, made you study. Stood beside you when you didn't have anyone. I did not do any favour to you, I just did it because I loved you. And now you've taken it away.

I'll never forgive you. I'll stay here and wait. I'll wait for you to see. But when you do, it'll be dead. Gone from your life. I want to stop loving you. I want to move on. For the first time, I can't do this. I give up. Let me go. The fairytale that it was, is no more there.

The worse part. I don't know if it's enough and what if it is. Should I wait? Should I go all the way. I don't know anymore. It's so quiet. The tablets seemed to have calmed me down. I may be imagining it, but my stomach hurts. My throat aches because I want to cry but I can't. You know the moments when your soul cries? This is one of them.

It's soothing. My eyes seem to burn from crying too much. They're red, with kohl smudged. There's no blood. Surprising how painless it can be. Feels like mourning for a close one's death. The times when it feels like your own funeral. Maybe this time it is. Who knows?

The Wait is exactly that. Not knowing and wondering what oblivion can be like. Forgotten or gone? Not wanted or running away? What difference does it make. I chose after you did.

Mourning for your own death. It's black; like an abyss. No one's here anymore. Not you, not me. I'm empty inside and that hollowness creates an echo. It sings inside me, it makes me cold; so cold that it makes me burn.

There were vivid memories. Now they tumbled into that abyss where no one's home now. The darkness swallowed the pictures and raped the love. It created that abyss where no one's home now.

I don't even know if it's over or not. If it is, I can't say goodbye. I can't because I don't want you to know. Not this time. I want to go away alone. But I need you to know that you gave meaning to my life.

If I'm still here, I'll just have to try again. And again. Until I can be successful. I told you that you are my life. Without you I can't go on. I won't lie. If I tell you, I know you might try something. Or you might think I'm blackmailing you. I'm not. I'm only trying to tell you that I'll always love you. It's my final try, if something happens.

I don't want to go. Hold on to me. Don't let me go. You're the only one who can help. I don't want to leave so soon. I wanted a life with you. I wanted to have your children. Grow old with you. And now, it's all gone.

It's time. I've dreaded this all my life. I don't want it to end. It was something beautiful, something perfect. I lost control, let myself go. And now I'll fix it. It's the only thing I control. For the first time, I feel free. I can let myself go and I know no one will know. Not this time. Not ever.

I want you to know that you gave me the most beautiful year of my life. The best till date. Everything seemed different and for the first time I saw light. I saw myself like I'd never imagined. I wanted to work towards something, I was determined. I've never tried this hard before. I gave my soul to you. I really did. I fought the world for you and gave my entire life to you.


I've made a lot of mistakes. I know. Forgive me for them if you can. I tried my best.

Don't ever forget me. Don't let me go. HOLD ME CLOSE. I don't want to go. Make me whole again. It's dark and I can't see anymore. Hold me tight, don't let me sleep.

Half-chipped nail polish and smudged kohl under my eyes: you've seen me at my worse and still loved me for it.

I know we've had bad times but the good times make everything worth it. All the fights we've had, called each other names, everything seems almost invisible when I have you near. When you hold me close to you, I never want to let go.

Sometimes, it feels like we might not make it. When we're that angry and sad, there are a million things running through our heads. But in the end, we know we will. And we always make it. I never doubted us and I've wanted this from the start. I've dreamed about this. For months. And now I finally have you and I'd know if I was only obsessed; it would gradually wear off. But it didn't and it steadily grew. And when you weren't there, I tried to take it out and never look at it again. But it wouldn't go and every time I saw you, you managed to make me feel the same way again.

When I finally have you, I know we're meant to be. With you, I don't need to say things out loud. Even if it's in my head, you always know. It doesn't work the right way all the time but even when you know the things in my head that I just don't want to talk about, I know there's someone who'll always understand me no matter what. It makes me angry sometimes, but that passes. I've always had the advantage of never letting my partner know what I'm thinking. With you, it's always different.

There are things about you that I'll never be able to explain. Not to you. But they're there and they bring you closer to me, every time.

I've always wondered how love would be. I felt it with a lot of people too. At least I thought it was that until it wore off. Then it couldn't be love. With you, it's not the same. And this will never come back again. I don't want to lose you at any cost.

Sometimes, all you need is silence to bring back the past memories, the trauma. It never fades, it stays clear and etched in your memory, waiting to be woken from its slumber. It is then that you realize how much it affected you.

The pain you feel is unbearable and worse than how it was when it actually happened. Sometimes you wish you had taken a different path, you wish you had done all the things differently. You feel like running away and running so fast that the only thing left is you. But then, running won't take away the pain, will it? It'll be inside of you, throbbing and worse than before.

Everyday you lead your life, like nothing ever happened. But one day, it goes dark and you can't hear the cars and the busy noises of a chaotic city anymore. The darkness can make you see. Things you never thought existed anymore. Things you thought were dead inside you. But you were wrong and now is the time you realize.

Sometimes, all you need is darkness to see. Not light.

I wasn't a snitch, I didn't do it on purpose. I swear. I would do anything to protect you and if I had known better I'd have really done things differently.

I sometimes wonder if I'm right for you or not. If I am, how come I do all the wrong things? You bring me so close to you and then one day, without any warning, you push me away. You say you need space. I understand that you do, but why do you disrespect me? I'm not some sort of pet for you who will come and go as you please. If you bring me close to you, don't push me away. Understand that even I have feelings. When I am angry at you, I don't push you out of my life. You still have your place in mine and you should give me that too. It really hurts.

I wish you'd treat me better. I don't need gifts or fancy items to feel special, only you. You don't understand me. You think I want money, gifts, a social status. If you'd known me even a bit, you'd know I don't care about those things. You seem to think that I need all of that in my life and are insecure about it. But you don't see me the way I am. All that I've told you has been useless.

Maybe someday when we're not together and you do find someone suitable for yourself, you'll finally see. I do really love you for who you are and I don't care about cars and gifts. Maybe someday, you'll see who I am. Maybe then it'll be too late. You're wasting time and you're losing something special. I don't ever want to let you go but if you really think this way about me, everything between us seems very fake. It feels like I don't know you at all.

What we share is beautiful but it's slowly getting destroyed. I love being with you and spending so much time with you but as soon as we have a long conversation you get angry at something. Or you have to keep the phone.

Today, was it really necessary? When you told me that you took your ex for dinner when she was in town (while something had happened between you and me and I was hoping for a relationship) then obviously it hurt me today. I get that you weren't completely over her and that you were confused but you realize that you haven't really taken me out for dinner or lunch alone ever. Maybe in Bangalore (once) and in Calcutta (on my birthday) which was only because it was my birthday. So it makes me feel bad. I expect to feel special at times and spend time with you alone instead of being with 2-3 people all the time. I'm not saying that your ex meant more to you or you did more stuff for her or anything, but you did it because you had lost her and then you realized that you needed to these things.
I know we have time together before we leave for post graduation but it's been a long time since we started dating and I expect something from you sometimes.

I'll never tell you but it hurts me a lot. I don't want expensive gifts, like you think, or drives, or regular lunches and dinners, just something special, a gesture from your side to show me that I mean something to you. I just need that bit of reassuring too that I'm doing a good job. When you bought me the Kohl, you can't imagine how much it meant to me. It wasn't the price, the brand or any such thing, it was just that you kept it in your mind and took that initiative only because I had lost my Kohl.

If we're alone, you call others to join us most of the times. I get the feeling that you get bored of me or there's something that's always going on in your head, when you're around me. You always want something better. Maybe, I can't give you that "something" so you call people who you have more fun with. I know we have our special moments too, but that's when you don't have to be at other places to meet other people. There's no poker, no friends to meet, no phone calls to attend to.

You know, even though you might not admit to this but you've taken me for granted. I guessed that this would happen because I just keep doing things for you and you get used to them. You know if you threaten to leave me, I'll come crying to you. You know I'll always sort things out and say sorry. What if one day, you threaten to leave me and I actually believe you? What if I don't come crying back? What if I don't say sorry, if it isn't my fault?

Imagine not seeing me after that. Not holding my hand, making fun of me and letting me pull your cheeks. Imagine not hearing my voice first thing in the morning and not having me to discuss bad beats and quads over full-houses. Imagine having to face the managers, vodafone customer service people and waiters alone when you don't have me to talk to them anymore? Imagine forgetting your wallet or your books in someone's car or a restaurant when you don't have me constantly nagging you about them. Imagine going to BNR alone in the cab all over again. Imagine not having me around to hold when you need someone. Imagine not being able to tell me again that you love me. Imagine not knowing what I'm doing anymore.

Then will you make me feel special, when you finally know that I might not come back.

Then will you take me out for dinner?

I know I hurt you, I ruined your day, I know it was an important day for you and that I messed up. I misunderstood you and then things built up.

In return you called me a bitch, a whore and said that you regret being with me. I know I'm not doing anything in life and that I spend my time only with you; maybe I'm wrong in doing that but I only did it because I thought you respected it. I know you'll think that I only think about myself; that's not true. I think about you and about your life before mine. I want you to be successful and happy. I never want you to be sad, if you're having problems, I wish I could take them away from you, all onto myself. You think I manipulate you and everything is about me, that's not true. I ran out that night because that's the only way I could get your attention, I was so desperate. And today, it was the same thing. And when you said that you didn't care, you broke my heart. There was this hopelessness that filled my heart, this sadness that will remain inside. I feel empty, you changed things.

You get very affected when we fight and you think about it a lot. But eventually, you'll get over it. The thing with me is, I'm going to be okay right now, but I'll never forgive you. EVER. I wasn't playing games or trying to blackmail you. I was scared of losing you, I was scared that you care less. And when you said I can do what I want, when I was in the middle of the road, I felt empty. I've never been this sad in my life. I'm writing all of this here because if I dare to say anything to you, you'll tell me that it's all about me and that I won't understand. I need to stop telling you and I need to stop crying in front of you.

I don't want this to end but I don't know if it'll go on for long. You doubt it so that makes a break up more likely. I guess I need to prepare myself for it because sooner or later you'll want to leave. I don't think I'll understand but I won't have a choice. What I've shared with you, I can't share with anyone else. I've literally given you my life and I can't take it back. It feels so bad right now, like something died inside me. I swear, I'm really tired and you know, when I cut myself, the pain that I feel: that's just better than how I'm feeling right now. I get why people hurt themselves, it's a good alternative to how you're making me feel right now.