What we share is beautiful but it's slowly getting destroyed. I love being with you and spending so much time with you but as soon as we have a long conversation you get angry at something. Or you have to keep the phone.

Today, was it really necessary? When you told me that you took your ex for dinner when she was in town (while something had happened between you and me and I was hoping for a relationship) then obviously it hurt me today. I get that you weren't completely over her and that you were confused but you realize that you haven't really taken me out for dinner or lunch alone ever. Maybe in Bangalore (once) and in Calcutta (on my birthday) which was only because it was my birthday. So it makes me feel bad. I expect to feel special at times and spend time with you alone instead of being with 2-3 people all the time. I'm not saying that your ex meant more to you or you did more stuff for her or anything, but you did it because you had lost her and then you realized that you needed to these things.
I know we have time together before we leave for post graduation but it's been a long time since we started dating and I expect something from you sometimes.

I'll never tell you but it hurts me a lot. I don't want expensive gifts, like you think, or drives, or regular lunches and dinners, just something special, a gesture from your side to show me that I mean something to you. I just need that bit of reassuring too that I'm doing a good job. When you bought me the Kohl, you can't imagine how much it meant to me. It wasn't the price, the brand or any such thing, it was just that you kept it in your mind and took that initiative only because I had lost my Kohl.

If we're alone, you call others to join us most of the times. I get the feeling that you get bored of me or there's something that's always going on in your head, when you're around me. You always want something better. Maybe, I can't give you that "something" so you call people who you have more fun with. I know we have our special moments too, but that's when you don't have to be at other places to meet other people. There's no poker, no friends to meet, no phone calls to attend to.

You know, even though you might not admit to this but you've taken me for granted. I guessed that this would happen because I just keep doing things for you and you get used to them. You know if you threaten to leave me, I'll come crying to you. You know I'll always sort things out and say sorry. What if one day, you threaten to leave me and I actually believe you? What if I don't come crying back? What if I don't say sorry, if it isn't my fault?

Imagine not seeing me after that. Not holding my hand, making fun of me and letting me pull your cheeks. Imagine not hearing my voice first thing in the morning and not having me to discuss bad beats and quads over full-houses. Imagine having to face the managers, vodafone customer service people and waiters alone when you don't have me to talk to them anymore? Imagine forgetting your wallet or your books in someone's car or a restaurant when you don't have me constantly nagging you about them. Imagine going to BNR alone in the cab all over again. Imagine not having me around to hold when you need someone. Imagine not being able to tell me again that you love me. Imagine not knowing what I'm doing anymore.

Then will you make me feel special, when you finally know that I might not come back.

Then will you take me out for dinner?

I know I hurt you, I ruined your day, I know it was an important day for you and that I messed up. I misunderstood you and then things built up.

In return you called me a bitch, a whore and said that you regret being with me. I know I'm not doing anything in life and that I spend my time only with you; maybe I'm wrong in doing that but I only did it because I thought you respected it. I know you'll think that I only think about myself; that's not true. I think about you and about your life before mine. I want you to be successful and happy. I never want you to be sad, if you're having problems, I wish I could take them away from you, all onto myself. You think I manipulate you and everything is about me, that's not true. I ran out that night because that's the only way I could get your attention, I was so desperate. And today, it was the same thing. And when you said that you didn't care, you broke my heart. There was this hopelessness that filled my heart, this sadness that will remain inside. I feel empty, you changed things.

You get very affected when we fight and you think about it a lot. But eventually, you'll get over it. The thing with me is, I'm going to be okay right now, but I'll never forgive you. EVER. I wasn't playing games or trying to blackmail you. I was scared of losing you, I was scared that you care less. And when you said I can do what I want, when I was in the middle of the road, I felt empty. I've never been this sad in my life. I'm writing all of this here because if I dare to say anything to you, you'll tell me that it's all about me and that I won't understand. I need to stop telling you and I need to stop crying in front of you.

I don't want this to end but I don't know if it'll go on for long. You doubt it so that makes a break up more likely. I guess I need to prepare myself for it because sooner or later you'll want to leave. I don't think I'll understand but I won't have a choice. What I've shared with you, I can't share with anyone else. I've literally given you my life and I can't take it back. It feels so bad right now, like something died inside me. I swear, I'm really tired and you know, when I cut myself, the pain that I feel: that's just better than how I'm feeling right now. I get why people hurt themselves, it's a good alternative to how you're making me feel right now.