It's been a while and I'm still crying. Crying for you. Crying because of the things you said. I repulse you. I will never forget that. Never ever will I forgive you. Some day, I will let go.

I want someone who can hold me close and tell me that I'm the one he wants the most. I don't want to be shunned at every point and be told that I'm to understand and compromise. I deserve more. I deserve to be happy. You don't make me happy.

When you call me a whore, I feel bad. I feel like going back and changing things so that I could be someone's love and not his whore. I don't want to be called that anymore. I don't want to understand and be sorry for things that make me who I am. I don't want to live a life thinking that I will someday get you to love me the way I love you. I don't want to hope for you to fall in love with me every single day of my life.

I want a man who can hold me in his arms and tell me things that I dream about. I don't want you because you disrespect me every minute I am with you. You hold me close so that you can bring to my most vulnerable state. And then you hold me so hard, that my skin around your fingers feels bruised and scarred. You don't know how to hold a woman. You never will know. I made a mistake.

The moments I spent with you all washed away. You destroyed everything I shared with you. It won't come back ever again. I give up. I cannot pursue this any more. I let you be and you said I suffocate you. I loved you and for all of it, you hated me. I was myself but you weren't. You called me a whore, a slut and a bitch. I didn't say a word. You laughed at me while I cried. You know, I can't tell you how it feels anymore. Nothing can describe that feeling when you just don't know whether you're any good to anyone anymore or not.

I really thought we would work. But I don't think we're meant to be anymore. Not when you don't like being with me alone when that's so important. When two people are in love, they just can't seem to get enough of each other. I've cried for you to want me that way, I've craved for you to hold me and say that I'm the only thing you need in your life. But I bore you, so how can I be? I cling on to you and you don't get your space. I have stupid friends with their stupid issues and I've got too many issues of my own. I cannot be in love if I let you go. I cannot be in love if I don't get to hold you. I cannot love you if you mock me at every stage and make me realize that I've been a mistake in your life.

You know, I've made up my mind about somethings today. I will never love you the way I did. I will never need you or depend on you the way I used to. You are not my life, only a part that I wish hadn't happened. I will love you only till a point where I can stop. Everything I say to you will be thought out and simple. My ideas, my problems, my life, my feelings, they're all mine now. I take away what I gave away to you.

One year? You're not worth even a moment I spend on you. I realize that only today. The most important day of my relationship with you. I was looking forward to it and I wanted it to be so special. You weren't here. I didn't mind that at all. Instead, you abused me, said that I am someone you are "repulsed by". No one has ever said that to me. And I didn't expect it from someone who I had given my entire life to. You know, I actually did give you my soul.

You know how it feels when your soul cries? When you want to tear it out and wish you couldn't feel anything anymore? Did you ever feel like holding yourself so hard that you could squeeze out every ounce of feeling left inside you? Did you ever feel like becoming numb was better than anything else in the world?

Every word you said made me feel that way. Just because I cry easily doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Every word you said made me numb. Every word took out one part of my soul from me. You ripped me apart. All the times you've hit me and abused me are nothing compared to what you did to me today. You broke me. I am broken. I thought nothing could do that to me. But you did. I can't mend it anymore. I could but not today. Not ever. It's gone. You killed it. Every bit of it. Took it and murdered it.

Someday you'll see what you did. It doesn't matter so much to you right now. I understand. You did what you thought was right and you live with no regrets. You don't know what you've done to me. You'll never know unless you don't have this. You've broken me into pieces, you know. You've destroyed me as a person and I'll never be the same again. You took everything away from me. I gave you my entire life and I did things I had never done for anyone. I built myself according to you and did everything I could to make this work. It wasn't enough, I guess.
Someday when you feel low and you don't have anyone, think about me please. Think about what you did. I would hold you close and never let anything get close to you. I wanted to be there and love you like no one had loved you before. I wanted to hold you in my arms and protect you from everything. I wanted to be there.

I'll go, like you want me to. I won't suffocate you anymore. I'll be like you want me to. I'll let go.

You will be free.

You're not here right now, I do miss you a lot. But I've learned and am changing myself. I won't hold you back ever again. I didn't do it on purpose. I just love you too much to let things go like that. But you took me wrong. I wasn't trying to control your life, I wasn't trying to make you claustrophobic. I was hurt that you thought so.

You know, all these months my only aim has been to make you comfortable around me. To make you feel like I'm a part of you and that I'll never leave. I wanted you to be sure of me. I wanted you to have your space and still have me in your life at the same time. You brought me into your life and made me a part of it everyday. And then you told me I suffocate you. I didn't understand.

I have let you go. I think I'm strong enough now. I need you in my life still, I do think about you like I used to. But I've changed. I won't tell you how much I miss you anymore. I won't hold you back again. I said those things because I wanted you to know how much I love you. I never thought you would take it any other way. But you misunderstood. You thought I was trying to control you. I wasn't. You said you're scared of me and feel that you're answerable to me for everything. I never wanted that. You think all I want is for myself to be happy. It's never been like that.

You know what the problem is? For me, my relationship is the most important thing. It always will be. I can never change that. No matter how big a problem is, no matter what happens, I'll still give everything to you. I only showed that to you thinking you would understand and respect it. You didn't. Instead you told me how I cannot be a priority to you. I don't want to be. I only want to be a part of your life to make you happy. But I'm far away now if that's what it takes to make you happy. I'll be like this because I don't want you to feel suffocated.

I know you said all those things in your anger. But you did mean some of it. I thought about it a lot. I used to tell you how much I miss you because it was the strongest feeling inside me. If you're out with people and are having a good time, it doesn't mean that I don't want you to. I only used to tell you that I missed you at that time because I really did. It did not mean that I didn't want you to have a great time. You already were, so I just thought I'll tell you what I feel. But now I won't anymore. You've gotten it all wrong. I'll leave it up to you. I've let you go.

The lies you tell, the hopes you raise. You make me wonder if you're really in love. Am I just holding on to this so hard that it's the only reason you're still here? I should let you go. I should learn to do without you. I made many mistakes, I know. But the biggest one was letting you in. I should have never done that. I did that once before and I had promised myself never to do it again.

I needed your time. The same way I give you mine. My entire life revolves around you, you know. From waking up for you, to going to bed thinking about you. It's painful, how much I give to you and I end up being nothing more than a need. I know you do things for me, but you've got other things too. You choose a lot before me and I am expected to understand. I am trying to.

I can't go on this way. I want out. I really do. If someday I am strong enough, I will let you go. I won't hold you back anymore. I don't want to go through this anymore. I don't want to be a second. I gave you my life and in return, I do deserve a little from you.

I really love you so much. I wish I could stop. I really want it to end.

You ripped me apart. You've torn me into pieces. Raped my soul. Killed it. I will move on someday. I won't be this way. I've let you go. Now I just want to forget you. Someday I will stop loving you and I will be happier than I have ever been. I'll bury your thoughts, make them go away. And when the ghosts haunt me, I'll be gone. I don't want this. I don't want to love you. I trusted you and gave myself to you. I've lost my soul to you. I don't know why. I want to be whole again without you. You're the darkness in my life. I hate you. I don't want this anymore. LET ME GO. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY DREAMS. I DON'T WANT TO WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. WHY DID I MAKE YOU MY LIFE? WHY DID I GIVE MY SOUL TO YOU? YOU CAN'T FUCKING IMAGINE WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME. IF YOU COULD, YOU'D HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO HIT ME, ABUSE ME, TORTURE ME EVERY SINGLE DAY. THE PAIN I FEEL IS UNIMAGINABLE. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW. I WANT TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY. LET MYSELF GO. GIVE UP AND RUN AWAY. INTO THAT DARK TUNNEL WHICH I DREAMED ABOUT. ENDING MY LIFE IS MY ONLY ANSWER. SOMEDAY I WILL. SOMEDAY I'LL BE GONE AND YOU'LL THINK OF ME AND SMILE. KNOW THAT YOU RUINED ONE LIFE. KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN. SOMEDAY I WILL HATE YOU THE WAY I WANT TO RIGHT NOW.

It's lost. Dead and gone. It'll never come back. I'm back to where I started. I'm alone again and you're not there. Those months I spent, alone in the room, thinking about what I had done wrong? It's here again. You're not beside me.

You disrespected me, abused me and hit me. I did not say anything to you. For a small mistake I make, you pushed me away. Pushed me into darkness. Now I don't have you and I'm lost. Alone and dead. You say you aren't dependent on me. It's alright. I just did a lot for you in these 8 months. I woke you up every morning, did all your projects, made you study. Stood beside you when you didn't have anyone. I did not do any favour to you, I just did it because I loved you. And now you've taken it away.

I'll never forgive you. I'll stay here and wait. I'll wait for you to see. But when you do, it'll be dead. Gone from your life. I want to stop loving you. I want to move on. For the first time, I can't do this. I give up. Let me go. The fairytale that it was, is no more there.

The worse part. I don't know if it's enough and what if it is. Should I wait? Should I go all the way. I don't know anymore. It's so quiet. The tablets seemed to have calmed me down. I may be imagining it, but my stomach hurts. My throat aches because I want to cry but I can't. You know the moments when your soul cries? This is one of them.

It's soothing. My eyes seem to burn from crying too much. They're red, with kohl smudged. There's no blood. Surprising how painless it can be. Feels like mourning for a close one's death. The times when it feels like your own funeral. Maybe this time it is. Who knows?

The Wait is exactly that. Not knowing and wondering what oblivion can be like. Forgotten or gone? Not wanted or running away? What difference does it make. I chose after you did.

Mourning for your own death. It's black; like an abyss. No one's here anymore. Not you, not me. I'm empty inside and that hollowness creates an echo. It sings inside me, it makes me cold; so cold that it makes me burn.

There were vivid memories. Now they tumbled into that abyss where no one's home now. The darkness swallowed the pictures and raped the love. It created that abyss where no one's home now.

I don't even know if it's over or not. If it is, I can't say goodbye. I can't because I don't want you to know. Not this time. I want to go away alone. But I need you to know that you gave meaning to my life.

If I'm still here, I'll just have to try again. And again. Until I can be successful. I told you that you are my life. Without you I can't go on. I won't lie. If I tell you, I know you might try something. Or you might think I'm blackmailing you. I'm not. I'm only trying to tell you that I'll always love you. It's my final try, if something happens.

I don't want to go. Hold on to me. Don't let me go. You're the only one who can help. I don't want to leave so soon. I wanted a life with you. I wanted to have your children. Grow old with you. And now, it's all gone.

It's time. I've dreaded this all my life. I don't want it to end. It was something beautiful, something perfect. I lost control, let myself go. And now I'll fix it. It's the only thing I control. For the first time, I feel free. I can let myself go and I know no one will know. Not this time. Not ever.

I want you to know that you gave me the most beautiful year of my life. The best till date. Everything seemed different and for the first time I saw light. I saw myself like I'd never imagined. I wanted to work towards something, I was determined. I've never tried this hard before. I gave my soul to you. I really did. I fought the world for you and gave my entire life to you.


I've made a lot of mistakes. I know. Forgive me for them if you can. I tried my best.

Don't ever forget me. Don't let me go. HOLD ME CLOSE. I don't want to go. Make me whole again. It's dark and I can't see anymore. Hold me tight, don't let me sleep.

Half-chipped nail polish and smudged kohl under my eyes: you've seen me at my worse and still loved me for it.

I know we've had bad times but the good times make everything worth it. All the fights we've had, called each other names, everything seems almost invisible when I have you near. When you hold me close to you, I never want to let go.

Sometimes, it feels like we might not make it. When we're that angry and sad, there are a million things running through our heads. But in the end, we know we will. And we always make it. I never doubted us and I've wanted this from the start. I've dreamed about this. For months. And now I finally have you and I'd know if I was only obsessed; it would gradually wear off. But it didn't and it steadily grew. And when you weren't there, I tried to take it out and never look at it again. But it wouldn't go and every time I saw you, you managed to make me feel the same way again.

When I finally have you, I know we're meant to be. With you, I don't need to say things out loud. Even if it's in my head, you always know. It doesn't work the right way all the time but even when you know the things in my head that I just don't want to talk about, I know there's someone who'll always understand me no matter what. It makes me angry sometimes, but that passes. I've always had the advantage of never letting my partner know what I'm thinking. With you, it's always different.

There are things about you that I'll never be able to explain. Not to you. But they're there and they bring you closer to me, every time.

I've always wondered how love would be. I felt it with a lot of people too. At least I thought it was that until it wore off. Then it couldn't be love. With you, it's not the same. And this will never come back again. I don't want to lose you at any cost.