I've wanted this all along. I've wished to have you in my life and now I have you. I haven't been happy but we've managed. Yesterday you told me that you'll make everything up to me and I hope you do. You also told me that you want us to move to Delhi and work together. Truthfully, the idea scares me. Not that I think you'll leave me midway but the fact that I'll actually be staying with you makes me feel scared. I don't know why it scares me. It makes me wonder if I'm really ready for this or not.

I know I should have thought this through sooner, but in the past two years, all I've done is chase you. I've being convincing you to make this work and that it's really worth it. But I've been chasing you for so long that I've forgotten to believe in those reasons myself. I don't remember why I chose to spend my life with you. I don't remember why I would leave my parents to be with you. I don't remember why I forgave you for hitting me so often. I don't remember how to be normal around you.

If I do leave Calcutta and move to Delhi, I'll have to move in with you. To have you around constantly, knowing that I cannot run home if you hit me, suffocates me.

I don't think I can do this.

I know all the reasons you hate me. I wanted to know the reasons you love me. Do you remember?

I want to leave. I really do. I can't take it anymore. I don't deserve this, no one does.

I want this to end.

You call me a whore almost every week. Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing with you. I've lost my self-esteem, I'm not happy and I cannot bear to be beaten up again. Today you pushed me hard on the road in front of so many people. I can feel it starting all over again. You're not the one for me and you're right. We shouldn't be in this. I'm only waiting for myself to be strong enough to let you go. Why the fuck can't I do it yet? I want to end it. I want to be happy again. I don't want to be too scared to tell someone how I feel. I don't want to have to keep a distance so that even if I say anything, I don't get beaten up. I don't want to be with you. You made me so sad. You made me beg and plead for YOUR STUPID FUCKING ADDICTION. I want to leave, I WANT TO RUN AWAY. I WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT LIKE YOU IN ANY WAY. YOU DISGUST ME AND I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO IS AS PATHETIC AS YOU ARE. I HATE YOU THE WAY I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO STOP LOVING YOU AND JUST HATE YOU FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. SO LONG, THAT I FORGET WHAT LOVING YOU WAS LIKE. I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A PART OF ME IN ANY WAY AND I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN, TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I HATE YOU AJAT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU NOW. YOUR HAIR, YOUR STUPID FUCKING LAUGH AND THE WAY YOU TALK. I HATE THE WAY YOU TOUCH ME AND I HATE THE WAY YOU CAN'T SPELL. I HATE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE IN GENDER WHEN YOU TALK. I HATE THAT YOU CAN'T EXPRESS YOURSELF TO ME. I HATE THAT YOU'RE SO WEAK AND THAT NO ONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT. I HATE THAT YOU FEEL POWERFUL WHEN YOU SEE ME BEG.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY. SO FAR THAT I DON'T EVER SEE, TOUCH, FEEL OR HEAR YOU AGAIN. PLEASE LEAVE.

You ruined everything. Breaking up is your only solution. I'll tell you what: I'll let you bring up the break ups while I try to move on. And the day I do, you're not going to have to just bring them up. And I'll use another guy if I have to. I hate you.

I feel like a stranger in your life. It isn't the same and we both know it. We don't trust each other and are too scared to tell each other anything. I don't know if it's okay to be with you anymore. I am the kind of person that you cannot deal with. You dislike things about me that make me who I am and you're never able to answer what you love about me. I don't think you know this but you don't love me for who I am. You're used to seeing me and tag me along when you've got to go to a place but how many times do we sit and talk to each other and enjoy that? We don't ever do it because you don't like doing that.

I am someone who needs constant reassurance. It's who I am. Maybe because I've been the only child so I've never had to be insecure. I am jealous and possessive and you cannot deal with that either. I've had to change myself as a person to be with you; I did that because I thought it was worth it. But I don't think it is anymore. Not with you threatening to push me away every time we have a fight. I did not expect you to be this weak. When I got into this with you, I hoped that you would try as hard as I was willing to. You did not try as hard. You gave in to screaming and shouting and beating me up when you lost control.

You ruined my birthday. Brought up a break up even on that day. It was a special day for me and you destroyed it in every way that you possibly could. You told me that you can't do stuff for me and that if I'm expecting a surprise, it'll never happen. I wasn't expecting a surprise. I was only expecting a quiet day alone with you. But you made me cry even that day. I'll never forgive you for that.

If you want a separate life then you should learn to have one. If you want your privacy, don't hand me your password a few days later, saying you want me to have it. I don't need it anymore and I'm tired of you. I really am.

Ask yourself why you love me. I don't know the answer anymore when I ask myself that.