It's all coming down. I never wanted it to go this way. I never wanted to wish anything wrong for you. But here it is, all over again. I feel so helpless right now. I really wish I could go back in time and fix it. The only thing I'll regret is not helping you with your exam the last time. I was selfish, maybe. But that was only that one exam. The remaining I thought you did well. But here it is, again. I wish I could do something, I really do.

I'm in a place where I don't know if you're going to be here still or you'll leave town. I really hope you stay. But it's not in our power anymore. We could have fixed things while we were still in charge. Now it isn't our decision to take. All I want to say is that I'm very sorry for the wrongs I've done to you, I wanted to be a happy part of your life: someone who makes you smile. I doubt I've done much. I will stay on no matter what and hold your hand through everything that you may have to face.

I know I can't ever imagine what you're going through. But I want you to know that if I could I would take it all upon myself.

Walk away. Walk away before I know it.
Walk away before I see you.
I may come running back
Wanting to hold on all over again.

Don't you know me?
I can't let you go
It's the only way out
If you walk away
And never look back.

Leave me to myself
All alone again
You know how you're afraid of darkness
It's the same with me
Except you're my only light

Walk away and take your light
I don't need it
I'll learn to do without it
Just like I wish I could.

You were my fairytale
I saw you in my dreams
They were so real,
They faded into reality.

Why did you come in?
I was about to shut you out
And kill your memories too
You ran away.

You poisoned me with your doubts
And now you want to walk away
Do that.
Find your way out.

Same thing again. Made me a victim, didn't you? You enjoy this: All the power and glory you feel. I know it. It's normal, I understand. You'll leave me and walk out someday, I know that too. You're only waiting for yourself to dislike me to that point when you can do that. You're holding on to this only because you can't stop loving me, not yet at least. But the moment you do, you'll break away and I won't see you.

I suffocate you, that's what you say. When I say "I love you" I suffocate you. You turned me into this. I wasn't this fucked up. You've pushed me away so much that I'm scared of what you are when you get close. You don't understand me, you never will. Just go away. It has to end in some way. You've told me it will. Then let it.

Somethings that I want to remember for the rest of my life: You're pathetic and you have a sad life and you're just like all the other pathetic losers in the town. You sit on your fancy little laptop and write your stupid blog. People don't appreciate your writing they just like the people you write your posts on. You're just a tool. You'll never be happy.

I won't be happy. I know. I've made far too many mistakes which I think about constantly. Being with one guy after has taught me something too. But I didn't think I would still be weak and vulnerable. I thought I was strong.

You know what's pathetic? The way I beg for you to come back. The way I cry all night waking up every half an hour to see if you've called. You'll never understand. According to you, it's revenge. But try understanding me. I hadn't kept those conversations on purpose, I didn't know that they existed. As soon as I found them, I let you know. Instead of telling me that you think I had them on purpose, you could have thought of all the times I've tried to be understanding. The photographs I found, the lies you've told me. I let that past because I thought if something similar happened to me, you'd do the same. You're not the person I thought you were. You are someone I'll never understand. You are someone who feeds on my sorrows.

In spite of everything, I made you the center of my world. I did everything I could for you. But you've hit me and abused me. You really can't imagine what you've put me through since last night. Broke me  into pieces I can't get anymore. You've changed me. Made me numb. Now when I kiss you, it'll never be the same. I won't ever let you know. But I'm in love with you and being with you is the only way I can move on. I'll be with you for as long as it takes. I'll move on someday. I want to.

You know why? No one pushes the people they love to do such things. They don't allow people to beg and plead with them just to prove a point. You've broken me so badly. I can't mend myself anymore. I can't. Just slowly, let me go. I'll fade away. You won't know.

You talk about your friends to me. You tell me how much they mean to you. It makes me wonder who you talk about me to? Sometimes I wish I wasn't the closest to you, in that way, you'd be talking about me to someone. It would make me special for once. Not just someone here to listen to you about the special people in your life.

You tell me that I mean nothing compared to your friends, when you're angry. I understand that they don't fight with you like I do and I also understand that they've been in your life longer. But it just makes me feel helpless. Makes me feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be them.

I'll never be someone who doesn't fight with you. I'll never be that person who's known you for the longest time. I'll never be the person who you miss being with. I'll never be them.

Every day I spend with you makes me feel how much I lack. You always talk about things you could do or the places you could be. I sit there and wonder when you'll remember that I'm with you now. You plan holidays months in advance and talk about them constantly until you finally go and come back. And then the next one starts. For you, your life is those few days you spend with everyone else. I'm just the transition period; the boring life that you lead every day. I wanted to be more.

I don't know if you'll ever understand. I won't tell you. It hurts me to think about it and telling you would mean accepting that this is true. It's just too much to take. I hope you realize someday.

Please don't take me for granted. I'm here today but we go on our separate ways soon. I don't want to be your transitional phase anymore. I want to be important to you. I want to know that I make you happy. I want to know that your life isn't just dull and depressing while you're in this city. Because even I'm a part of this city right now.

Don't tell people how bored you are. Tell them your life is good. Tell them that you're happy.

Don't put me down.

Don't run, don't make me chase you. I'm slowly leaving myself behind and soon, bit by bit I will be gone. Don't let me disappear.

Chase me instead. Let me know how it feels, just once. Make me whole again.

You remember and dwell on all the things you've lost and ignore all the things you haven't. Because your scars are like stars. Yet the night stays perfectly black.

I'll tell you the truth so close to your lips it'll taste like a lie. There's a tongue in my mouth. It matters. This fucking matters.

The only thing that works is the truth and you are the hardest truth to tell.

So kiss like you give a damn.

I need you to give me the chance to take you for granted.

I began thousands of years ago on a cave wall somewhere in Africa. I painted the idea of you before symbols could make sounds in our heads. And each time I come back, I'm the same. This is not the first time you've read this. I've told you a thousand times over a thousand years. I am no more the first me that's ever been than you are the first you. And we certainly won't be the last.

You know what I realized right now? I realized that if I'm not there someday, you might not miss me so much. I've always just been there and I don't think you really think about it so much. If you did care, you would never do all those things to me.

You never did it to anyone else but you did it to me. Because you didn't want to lose everyone else. But you didn't care if I went away. You were so sure that I would. But I didn't go.

Let me know what I mean to you. I know you're not that kind of person who likes to express himself but I do need it a lot. I'm insecure, jealous and I need your attention. If you don't tell me, I'll never know.