Imperfections are always there. But I saw something which changed a lot in my mind. I won't mention it to anyone ever but that doesn't make it go away, does it? I know you love me and you care a lot about me but what you did changed things. I've had my share of bad relationships and guys who've abused me but I thought things would be different with you.

You've been so sensitive, caring and have always taken that extra effort in making me feel special. Then what happened that night? However bad the fight was, however much you hated me for everything, why did you hit me? You told me that you would never ever do that, then why did you? It broke something inside me and it'll never mend. I'll always be scared and the respect that I had towards you, that's gone.

You hit me, that'll pass; you choked me, that'll pass; you threatened to leave me, that'll pass too; you abused me, that'll pass as well; you hurt me, that won't ever pass.

I caused it, I brought it upon myself, I brought out the worst from you: that's what you said. You are sorry for what you did and you say that you'll never do it again. I believe you and I hope that you never do this again, but what should I do now? I can't let you go because I really love you a lot but this memory won't go away. How do I change things? If I leave, I won't manage. If you leave, I'll want you back. Everything seems like a lie now, how do I know what's right and what's wrong?

You know what hurts more? More than the fact that you hit me? The fact that you hit me again. The first time, you hugged me and tried to make things alright? How could I be okay? I wasn't showing my ego, for god's sake! I was HURT, ANGRY, LET DOWN. I've never felt worse and your hugging me and apologizing could not change anything for me. The only thing on my mind was that you hit me. And then after another argument you choked me and you told me that I'd want to leave you after that night on my own.

I felt scared and I wanted to run. As I sat on the swing with you, I wanted to understand why you did it. But instead, you hit my hand so hard and this time it hurt. You asked me why I wanted to stay with you. I told you that I loved you. You didn't understand that and thought it wasn't a good enough reason. Then after a few minutes, everything was okay. You acted like nothing had happened.

I spent that night with you hoping it would erase memories of what had happened earlier. I wanted to put those hours in a corner and shut it down so I could forget it completely. You asked if I really wanted to and if I didn't, you'd understand. I said I was okay. I wasn't. As you entered me, I didn't moan, I didn't say a word. You seemed like a different person to me. I felt cheated. I couldn't remove those memories. It's still clear and it still hurts.

I trusted you with my life and now it's gone. I want it to become okay and I don't know how it will. I want to give it time, to see if things will change. I hope you never do this again, only because you think I can take it and I will stay with you no matter what. It really changed a lot in my head and it'll take a long time for me to get over this. Everything you said to me and everything I said to you, it doesn't matter.

I love you and I cannot live without you.

I wish I could take it all back
Relive the perfectness and go back
Walk on the path that I made for myself
But without all the pain and sorrow
I don't want to follow anymore
I don't want to keep being sorry for things I don't do
I knew this would be difficult
I told myself that I had it in me to make this work
But I don't think I do
It's so simple but it gets so complicated
And what you and me share is so beautiful
It's getting ruined and I can't even do much about it
I don't want to move away
I don't want this to end
Don't let me go, ask me to stay.

Why is it that I feel so empty? Why don't I feel you there anymore?
Even when you're beside me, I feel like I'm alone.
Every fight, every argument, every lie; it divides us and takes us further and further from each other.
Do we know each other anymore?

I crave to spend time with you and that's something you hardly give me. Why? I am a part of your life and I always come in the end. Because it's so easy to explain to me, because it's so easy to just push me away when I'm not needed. "I'll call you later" and "I don't want to talk right now". It's so easy, right?

I wanted this for 5 months before I actually got it. I've craved for you, cried for you, thought about you all night long. I've needed you so much at times that I haven't been able to sleep. I knew it would be difficult, considering our egos and our needs. But I also thought it would be mutual. I know I make many mistakes but do you realize that by not talking to me and by walking out, you are the one blowing it out of proportion? I can't win arguments with you. Enjoy your victory but know that you lose. You're losing me and this is just the beginning. Don't let this go; it's something I haven't felt before and I think I never will. That's what I'm hanging on too but I won't be able to do it for very long.

Today I cut myself because that was the only thing I could do. All the pointless arguments, they don't matter. What matters is that I hardly get to see you alone and I miss you. I miss you to an extent that I can do anything to be with you right now. ANYTHING.

Don't lie to me. I can't take it. It breaks me from inside and you've done it again. I can't trust you anymore and you just won't get it. You think that it's all about making things okay in the end but things cannot be okay anymore. Not when you lie to me. I haven't been able to tolerate a lie EVER. I just can't take it.

I love you a lot.

I know your secrets.
I know all that you try to hide
I see the pain in your eyes
And all that you feel inside

Open up to me, give me a chance
Don't let this go
Cause it's our only chance.

*~*

I understand that you're scared, even I am, I really am. But you've got to trust me. You've got to let me love you and you've got to try to love me back. Please don't hold yourself back from me. It hurts me so much to see you like this. Don't let this be another broken relationship. I want to make this work and I can only do it if you're with me.

I understand you and I want to help you. I know it'll take time but I want to be there for you. I want to take care of you and show you how much I love you. Don't let this go, PLEASE!

You expect me to understand every time
You never do give me a choice
You don't care about how I feel
You never realize that each time you say 'no'
My heart screams to reach out to you
And tell you that it needs you so much

You build a dream for me
And the next moment
It breaks into pieces and disappears
Like it never even existed!

It's like a mirage.
Following this feeling each time
Only to realize that nothing lies ahead
Except emptiness and hopelessness

I hardly expect anything anymore
Just sometime with you
So we can be with each other alone
But you make me feel like that's a crime too

I'm just supposed to understand, right?
If I don't, your only reply is
"I told you not to expect; I'm really bad at this
This is why I didn't want a relationship".

That's not good enough anymore
You didn't want a relationship?
Now you have one
And you're really messing it up
I've tried to look for a fault in myself
I haven't been able to find any.

I don't say anything when you don't call
I don't say anything when you hang up and say you'll call
But you don't call
I listen when you need me to
I cry when you don't talk to me
I apologize when I'm wrong
Sometimes even when I'm not
I try to hold your hand and you push away
And I need to apologize for doing that as well
When I need you to be there, you're not
And then you say you are, I buy that
I need to pretend that everything's fine
When there's nothing that's going right
I fall in love with you every time I see you
I need to keep all of that to myself
Only because you are so different
You just don't seem to understand

How much can I throw myself at you?
How much can I explain?
Why do you do this?

Just please give me an answer.

A sense of knowing, or is it just hope? Either way, it's strong and it's building. Why do I feel like today, something is going to happen, something good, something concrete. Maybe I've thought about this so often, about that night, that it's just building in this way. I hope what I'm feeling comes true.

Last night, I had a dream. In that dream I was successful in everything I did. From completing my work on time, increasing my Facebook friends to unlocking the iPhone, everything seemed just right.

The dream left something for me, something more than just being a dream. It actually gave me some faith. Maybe it's that faith that has given me this feeling that everything's going to be alright, that you'll finally come around. Maybe you already have; just give me a sign.

It's that choice again. The choice between being a part of all of it and letting things be. I know that nothing will ever come out of what I'm doing. I'll go, crave for you, look at you, silently wish that we were alone, wish that you were mine. I won't get any of it, so what's the point? I can't carry on this way and I need to stop. Please show me a path, give me some reason to carry on, it's been so long.

I dream about being with you, in your arms. Why am I supposed to suffer this way? Don't make me go through this. I sit, waiting for you to give me a sign, for you to look at me just once.

I'm tired of wanting this, of needing you every time. There's this space inside of me, it's empty and you never fill it up. Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you be mine, why can't you hold me and tell me that everything will be alright?
Right now, I just can't stop thinking of you. How long should I carry on this way?

It's been four months and you still haven't come around. You look at me and expect me to understand. How long am I supposed to cry for you for? How long am I supposed to crave for you for?

You said you'd make amends; I know you're trying but I don't know how I'll manage now. I'm really trying too, even though I hardly get to see you alone, even though you pushed me away, I'm still here.

But now I can't take this for too long, I've got to do something. I need you the most right now and you're not there. I know that it isn't your fault, that you've got issues, but I really need you right now. And when I don't find you, it only makes me think more; it breaks my heart. It makes me wonder why I'm still here, why I'm still waiting for you. I love you too much now to move on; haven't I tried doing that already? I just can't seem to move on. The more I try, the closer you come. Why can't you let me go? If you did, maybe it'd be easier for me to stop thinking about you. But you know, even if you do let me go, I don't know how far I'll go, really.

I'm just tired. Of wanting you in my life, of wanting you to be a part and hold my hand. I'm tired of thinking about you loving me, just like I wanted. I'm tired of needing you; my heart calls out to you and my soul screams for you. I MISS YOU AND I NEED YOU.

I want to give up. Please don't let me.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.

I know I can't see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
Because you're part of me.

You didn't see the tears in my eyes and you didn't feel the longing that I felt even when you were around. You didn't hold me close, you didn't stop to look back.

I stood there wondering if you'd come; you came. You held me and I thought I'd finally gotten everything. As the music played, I didn't care about anything else. I could feel the touch of your hand around my waist, your body against mine. But you slowly distanced yourself and while my heart was screaming to be with you, you left. Leaving me all alone, standing in the middle of a thousand other couples, you made me feel like such a fool. Then I see some girl trying to get close to you, I know you pushed her away, but it broke my heart. You abused every feeling that I had felt while you were so close to me. You made me feel like everything was a farce, a LIE! I hated you for what you did to me that night.

I still wanted to hold your hand, kiss you and be in your arms. I waited and even asked you if you wanted the same. You told me, "I don't want it to be complicated". I couldn't bear it any longer. I wanted to break away, run and never come back. You caught me and put me back but I still wanted to go away.

That night I had decided that I wouldn't go back home. All my life, I've cared about my safety, my respect; I was willing to give it all up. I know it was foolish, reckless and irresponsible but none of it mattered. All I could think of was how I couldn't have you in my life after everything I've done, after everything we've shared; I felt cheated.

I stood in the corner of an alley, thinking of everything I had felt for you in the past few months. It was time for me to choose a path because you wouldn't choose ours. I felt used, let down. I know I had made a mistake too but it was all because I was desperate to get over you. I had thought that you used me and I had started to lose respect for myself, my body. I did all of that to move on, to push you away. But the more I tried to push you away, the closer you came. I didn't know what to do.

I didn't care about anything that night. You looked for me, but I made sure that you wouldn't find me. All these months you showed me that you didn't care and when you were looking for me, standing in the middle of the road, I still felt safe and cared for.

I don't know how to explain to you anymore. You keep pushing me away and I don't know how to leave. I don't know how to move on. Please help me take a decision; don't do this to me anymore. I really do love you a lot and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Don't let me go, ask me to stay, hold on to me please!

I shot myself a million times to kill myself but it didn't work; somehow I was still alive.

I told my parents that I'd miss them and asked them not to worry when I was gone. But you know something, I also told them about you. I told them that I love someone a lot and that I want to speak to him. I dialed your number and waited for you to pick up your phone just to tell you one last time that I do really love you.

Even dreams seem so close to reality now. I don't know why I feel this way about you even when so much time has gone by. I'm really trying to move on because I don't know whether you'll ever be mine. I keep holding on but I don't know for how long I'll be able to do that.

Please tell me what to do.

I hate the way you look at me
and your joker smile

I hate it when you share my drink
and the way you read my mind.

I hate the way you smell so good
I hate it when you're close.

I hate your stupid jokes
and your big gray slippers, the most.

I hate it when you protect me
I hate that you're still not mine.

I hate the way you understand me
The way you kiss and make things alright.

I hate it when you're not there
I hate that you don't call

I hate it when I wait for you
and you don't care at all.

Most of all I hate how I don't hate you
Not even a bit, not even close,
Not even at all.