You've been so sensitive, caring and have always taken that extra effort in making me feel special. Then what happened that night? However bad the fight was, however much you hated me for everything, why did you hit me? You told me that you would never ever do that, then why did you? It broke something inside me and it'll never mend. I'll always be scared and the respect that I had towards you, that's gone.
You hit me, that'll pass; you choked me, that'll pass; you threatened to leave me, that'll pass too; you abused me, that'll pass as well; you hurt me, that won't ever pass.
I caused it, I brought it upon myself, I brought out the worst from you: that's what you said. You are sorry for what you did and you say that you'll never do it again. I believe you and I hope that you never do this again, but what should I do now? I can't let you go because I really love you a lot but this memory won't go away. How do I change things? If I leave, I won't manage. If you leave, I'll want you back. Everything seems like a lie now, how do I know what's right and what's wrong?
You know what hurts more? More than the fact that you hit me? The fact that you hit me again. The first time, you hugged me and tried to make things alright? How could I be okay? I wasn't showing my ego, for god's sake! I was HURT, ANGRY, LET DOWN. I've never felt worse and your hugging me and apologizing could not change anything for me. The only thing on my mind was that you hit me. And then after another argument you choked me and you told me that I'd want to leave you after that night on my own.
I felt scared and I wanted to run. As I sat on the swing with you, I wanted to understand why you did it. But instead, you hit my hand so hard and this time it hurt. You asked me why I wanted to stay with you. I told you that I loved you. You didn't understand that and thought it wasn't a good enough reason. Then after a few minutes, everything was okay. You acted like nothing had happened.
I spent that night with you hoping it would erase memories of what had happened earlier. I wanted to put those hours in a corner and shut it down so I could forget it completely. You asked if I really wanted to and if I didn't, you'd understand. I said I was okay. I wasn't. As you entered me, I didn't moan, I didn't say a word. You seemed like a different person to me. I felt cheated. I couldn't remove those memories. It's still clear and it still hurts.
I trusted you with my life and now it's gone. I want it to become okay and I don't know how it will. I want to give it time, to see if things will change. I hope you never do this again, only because you think I can take it and I will stay with you no matter what. It really changed a lot in my head and it'll take a long time for me to get over this. Everything you said to me and everything I said to you, it doesn't matter.
I love you and I cannot live without you.
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